Breathing Freedom

she who dares to stand where i stood
face the darkness, and still....
believe that I could be....
more than i am

she who cares to see what i saw
breathe the chaos, and yet...
believe that I'll be
more than i am

you who ask me to turn from her acceptance
because she awakens what you think is better
kept quiet
kept hidden
kept contained
for my own good, you say

she who brings welcomes the dark and chaos
she who brings the hope
that it will not always be this way

you, who fear my darkness and chaos
you, with your treatments
will keep me this way

i who could go back to numbness
or
could face the girl, locked in a storage container
alone in the dark for so many years
no longer numb
breathing hurt
breathing fire
and yet...
breathing freedom

I see me falling

I saw myself falling,
As I walked down the hall,
As you told me the ground held strong beneath me,
Or at least steady enough for the moment
I saw myself falling.

I saw myself hurtling
As I gathered my things
And you told me that it was manageable
Or at least as much as you could manage
I saw myself hurtling.

I saw my body smashing and breaking
As I stood before you shaking
You seeing unnecessary panic
You seeing undisciplined thoughts
Me seeing my body, smashed and broken.

Honestly, it was a breath away
A Step away.
I still see me falling over and over again.

Feeling guilty

I tell you everything you already know
You tell me everything I already know
and on, and on, and on it goes
Just keep on breathing, breathing slow.

Voices, noises, fill my head
Push his out, hear yours instead

A whisper, a lifeline, until it is gone
Help me to breathe, help me to hold on.
Stop dragging you with me, stop dragging you down,
Wanting you off, this merry-go-round

There is no excuse

When it comes down to it...
I'm not so strong,
A half-hearted stab at it,
A half-sung song.

When it comes down to it...
I am afraid
Years keep on flowing,
and the fear will not fade.

When it comes down to it...
I have no choice
I have my heart and mind,
I have MY voice

When it comes down to it...
There is no excuse

I am the mountain

I am the mountain
I am the stone
Peel away layers
Cut to the bone
Hearing each voice
Still waiting for mine
Words interchanging
Breaking yet fine
Searching for answers
Settling for none
Each stone comes away
Each lie is undone
The mountain is shrinking
And leaves virgin earth
It all seems so barren
It all has no worth
Inside I am toiling
The job incomplete
Hands bloodied and broken
A terrible feat
Finding some comfort
In that which is gone
Each burden removed
Yet, pain lingers on
I am the mountain
I am the stone
I will keep on fighting
Till the battle is won

Insomnia

Yesterday and Today and Tomorrow

blend

into a neverending day

3678 sheep

laugh maniacally

as they watch me jump

the same fence

over and over again

with energy born from exhaustion

I am tired

I cannot sleep

This darkness is pulling me under

The fallen

we are the fallen
tearing off bandaids
and peering at the gaping chasms
of our souls

a person need not be perfect
much less stable
i'm not even sure what that means anymore

sometimes you have to keep people closer than you'd like
but sometimes
its better to keep your distance

we don't dance
what are we hiding?

secrets

what are we waiting for?

tomorrow

are you ready?

Anymore

The secret is out

The pain still within

A path has been set

but where to begin?

There, I'm not dying anymore

The numbness is here

I'm floating away

My mind wants to leave

You're making me stay

There, I'm not fighting anymore

The anger burns black

And makes my bones ache

Tired from the struggle

And all that they'd take

There, I'm not crying anymore

The mask is back again

There is no way around it

I'm speaking my truth

But what's unsaid surrounds it

There, I'm not lying anymore

Confusion and logic

Sewn in a blanket

In a foetal position

Oh, it's pathetic!

There, I'm not sure

just not sure

anymore

Smoulder on

Take this
Take this away from me
I cannot hold it any longer
It is burning me
And I,
cannot let it go
So, the embers smoulder on
I cannot go on like this
I cannot find reason
I cannot smile this empty smile
While I burn away
I am nearly empty
And they,
they cannot see
Beyond the smoke
They are looking for the flames of a fire
while the embers smoulder on.

Brokedown Circus

Caged, like a beast,
Thoughts to wild to handle.
Dangling on a trapeze,
I fly through the past.
Alone on a tightrope,
between sanity and madness.
In the centre ring of the Big Top,
in a spotlight,
with the whole world looking,
past me,
at the sequins,
I've so carefully assembled,
on the outside,
to reflect back,
what you want to see.
Bend linke a contortionist,
to fit in the mould.
Try and pull one more rabbit,
from my broken hat.
Paint on a smile,
and juggle,
to make everyone laugh.
Oh! This life is a brokedown circus.

A reckoning

There will be a reckoning
A battle of mind and soul
The clash will be so deafening
The victory so hollow

But, oh, there will be a reckoning
For one must surely win
One must capture dominance
For new life to begin

The battle is a stalemate
A twilight of attack
Each gives an inch of hallowed ground
The deftly grabs it back

Oh, there must be a reckoning
Until one wins the fight
Im ina a limbo of muted greys
Instead of black and white

Untitled 1

in a moment
when i catch my breath
i'll remember
what you did to me

in a breath
when i catch my thoughts again
i'll remember
how i helped you

daddy, daddy,
monster man
shadow on my soul

little girl
filled with shame
why cant you let it go?

time betrays me
traps me here

daddy, daddy,
monster man
its time to let me go

A whispering

There is a space I can almost reach in me
A whispering, a whispering
A voice you can almost hear in me
a whisperin, a whispering,
But there is a cacophany inside my head,
A screaming, a keening,
A monster that lies within my bed, within my head,
Demeaning and screaming
And I fear it won't be till I am almost
that I'll hear the whispering

In that instant

So there I am
captured forever in a photograph,
eyes too cold
for a child's face
Poised,
in that instant,
between escape,
and surrender.
Lucky to be alive?
Can you see it?
Do you see what I see?
Or do you walk by,
the child, silent,
as children should be.

A widening gyre

Emotions implode
and leave a cloud of mental of chatter
that I cannot dissipate
on my own
The world goes on
and spins in a widening gyre
and I
I am alone
Vicious whispers
pluck me from a tentative sleep
but when I open my eyes
the room is bare
It would appear
a safe sanctuary
but there are ghosts and shadows there
I try to close my eyes
This splintered pain will keep
but darker things lurk deeper
I do not wish to sleep

Why

There is a space for a story
between you and I
An intimate desdiratum
an unfathomable lie
You don't seek perfection
You just ask that I try
To break through taciturnity
and answer you...why?

I am trapped in inaction
Mute and lost
Quiete non movere
Silent and soft
If I move for a moment
The silence may break
and I'll be lost forever
There is too much at stake

But this silence imprisons me
as my words slowly die
Can I summon the courage
to answer your 'Why?'

To hold a moment

To hold a moment
and never let go
defying the future
the ebb and flow
of the next moment
linked to another

To give up the possible
the chance to discover
new things
for the chance to stay in this moment
when nothing is wrong

It would be a hard choice
but the choice is not ours
We live in this flow
adrift without the power
to halt the clock
from marching on.

To farewell each night
and greet each dawn, at will.

So we surrender
and live in the hope
that whatever tomorrow will bring
we are able to endure

A new dream

Broken, fairytale mosaic
of fragmented
Happy-ever-afters,
and elusive princes,
lay scattered like dust
beneath my feet

And dreams must be
redreamt
revised.

Revel in your bravery
Heroic Women.
No hapless Rapunzel
awaiting release

Scale
down
that
wretched wall
Nails torn and bloodied
Shins scraped
Battered
But standing
Still standing, Independent
and dream a new dream

Twilights Child

Twilights child,
not quite there,
ephemeral shadow
dancing the silver thread
between now and then.

She tiptoes between,
night and day,
hushed,
so as not to awaken the darkness,
rank, heavy and rotting.

Not quite willing to reach for daylight,
with its glaring inscrutability,
she instead sits,
hushed,
in the shadows,
earthy and ancient.

A forgotten dream, a forgotten notion.
Twilights Child

Not a big thing

Its not a big thing

...but...

I'm floating away

like an errant balloon

and you do not see

Its not a big thing

...but...

I'm crying inside

Silent tears I can't explain

and you do not hear

Its not a big thing

...but...

I'm still standing on the ledge

Willing myself to fall

and you're praising the view

Its not a big thing

...but...

I'm empty inside

Just a laugh and a fake smile

And you think that's me

Its not a big thing

...but...

I am alone, I am lost

Its not a big thing

Its just me

Is it

Is it in the way your eyes

travel the contours of my face

finding weakness

and flaw?

Is it in the way your concern

mocks me

ringing false

and insincere?

Is it in the way you wait

for me to fall

... not to catch me

...but to sigh...

And tell me how you knew

all along

I was too damaged

to belong?

Or is it in the way I feel ashamed

too scared to stand

and demand

you hear me

and let me try to be

who I choose?

Is it that you just can't see,

I'm human, just like you?

Two feet on the Ground

Two feet on the ground
Head up in the clouds
Shoulders slumped and weary
Eyes still flashing proud

Tentative of failure
Quick to take a stand
Pulling from his embrace
But reaching for his hand

Stepping back from conflict
Looking for a fight
Weakly acquiescing
Pushing with all her might

Dualities of extreme
Swing from high to low
Even while free falling
She's never letting go